Losing Hats
by hochmodel
Summary: Felix loses his hat and wishes, after being traumatized, wishes he never found it.


**I do not own shit. Except for my shit. But someone else's shit, I do not own. And I don't know the person who did this fanart, but I got it off of tumblr. If this is you, I'm sorry I don't know who you are, but you are a freaking genius! And feel free to leave your copyright in the reviews. **

"Hey, Tammy, have you seen my hat?" Felix asked his wife. "I need for work on Monday."

"No, but it's probably lying around here somewhere," she replied.

"I looked everywhere in the house."

"Well, better look again." Felix sighed. He loved his wife more than anything, but being married to a war sergeant did have its cons as well as pros.

It was well worth it.

"Do you want me to help?" She asked, finally turning away from her book to see him.

He smiled at her. "I'd love it, ma'am."

"Fix-it, you can call me by my name, you know," she told him. "We've been married five years now, and known each other for seven."

"I'll stop calling you ma'am when you stop calling me 'Fix-it'." He beamed playfully at her. Truth was, he never minded his various nicknames (honeyglow, Fix-it, short stack, pint size, etc...), in fact, they made him feel special. But he got so little to tease her about, he liked pulling strings whenever he could.

"Nope. I like that name," she told him, smiling.

"I just need my hat."

She rolled her eyes and left her comfortable red chair, her book lying face-down and open on the cushion. "I was just getting to the good part, Fix-it."

"It's not like it'll grow legs and walk away." He replied cheerily. She smiled at him.

"I can look here; why don't you look around the rest of the game?"

"Brilliant! Thank you!" He pulled a blue T-shirt over his undershirt and strolled out of the house.

Tamora rolled her eyes. "More like common sense," she mumbled.

She began tearing up the small house her husband built for the two of them, in order to accommodate her size.

Meanwhile, Felix scoured the area, looking for his cap. He saw no sign of it in the dump, forest, or penthouse, and every Nicelander he asked said he or she hadn't seen it.

Felix walked past an apartment door, feeling a tad despondent and disappointed, when he heard a moan on the other side of an apartment door. Listening closely, he recognized that the voice belonged to Gene- the only Nicelander he hadn't seen.

He knocked on the door. "Gene? Gene, are you in there?"

He heard a louder moan in response.

"Are you well?" Felix asked, deeply concerned.

He heard a small yes.

"Well, if you're okay..." he hesitated, not entirely sure he believed Gene. "Have you seen my hat?"

A soft whimper escaped through the door.

"Should I come in?" Felix said with concern, hat forgotten.

"Yes, yes!"

Felix turned the doorknob and opened the door, walking inside.

He did NOT expect to see this.

For there was Gene, naked and sweaty, stroking his penis to Felix's hat on his bed.

Felix's eyes went wide and his face drained of blood. He walked in reverse, closing the door in front of him.

In a daze, he lethargically staggered to his own house.

Tamora had cleaned up the place by the time her husband returned. "Did you find it?" She asked him, reading her book once again.

Silence.

"Did you find your hat, Fix-it?"

Footsteps slowly walked past her. She turned, confused and concerned, to a wide-eyed, pale, and staggering handyman.

"Felix?! What happened?"

He didn't even acknowledge her existence; he continued to shuffle to their bedroom, forgetting to shut the front door. She did it for him, all the while her worry increasing.

What could have happened to make him act this out-of-character?

She ran after him and found him staring at their bed, completely stiff, looking disturbed.

"Fix-it?"

He didn't say a word.

"What happened?"

"I...went looking for my hat...ma'am..."

"And?"

"I found it..."

"So, what's the problem?"

He was speechless. She walked over to him and sat down on the bed, pulling him into her lap. He never looked at her; just continued staring ahead.

"I saw things I never should have seen..."

"What did you see?"

All the blood that was drained from his face immediately returned. He felt dizzy and rested his head against her chest.

"Felix, you're scaring me."

Silence.

"What happened while you were looking for your hat?"

"...it..."he nearly whispered.

"What's 'it'?"

"I caught Gene..."

"Yes?"

"Umm..."

"Spit it out, for Mod sakes!"

"You know how...some people...ummmm..."

"Some people, what?"

"Do things...for p-p-pleasure..."

"Yeah, we do that all the time." She responded with annoyance, completely oblivious to the innuendo. She swore he was going to faint when his face swelled with red coloring. "Felix, what's going on?"

"Well...Gene was...pleasuring...himself...to my hat..."

Her mind went blank.

The words entered her mind, swirling in a vortex.

Finally, the meaning hit her.

She fell back onto the bed, in hysterics. Her grip released itself from Felix and instead attached itself to her sides, nearly sure they would split in two. She hadn't cried in years, but tears of absolute joy accompanied her ever-increasing laughter.

"It's not funny! I walked in on him!" Her husband protested. He was met with an insensitive audience who was banging her fist on the bedspread. They both heard a knock at the door. Felix sighed and muttered that he would answer it. Tamora stuffed her face in a pillow as Felix opened the door to keep herself somewhat quiet for whatever guest had decided to come.

"G-G-Gene?!"

"Felix, I found your hat in the hallway." She could imagine her husband's demeanor: pale as chalk, stuttering, stiff, and wide-eyed. "Here you go." She heard whistling and the door close.

She dared to control her laughter as she went out to find the unfortunate man. She heard him scream and found him on the couch, panting heavily and using the steady surface for support.

Further inspection of said hat would show white fingerprints along the crinkled top.


End file.
